I finally crossed the line.

Dependent yet again. E ano yung hindi naman sila yung mawawalan?

…we used to talk? Regularly? Like a lot?

Well, I don’t anymore. That seriously feels soooo long ago. Nahiya naman ako mag-make ng move; ‘di ako Modess girl eh. (Lol free ad! :)) Pay meeeh)

Seriously though, sana maayos pa. There’s nothing I wish but to fix all these friendships that have gone this way. Soon. :)

Mas kape pa ‘ko sa’yo. (Kung sino ka man.)
Kape. As in bitter.
Bitter. As in ampalaya.
Ampalaya. As in bitter gourd.
BITTER.

Holy camote. Kelan ba ‘ko hindi magiging kape? :))

I’ve lost it. Really. The world’s just being funny right now. And the least I can do is not get irritated. Seriously.

Parang hindi talaga naaayon yung nangyayari. Sad thing. At times, I ask for signs, mainly because I wouldn’t know what to choose between/among the choices laid out for me.

But thing is, when I ask for signs AND they do come true, the world makes space for something else to happen, for me not to do what I was already supposed to.

Contradicting.
Madaya.

I’m so lost. Akala ko, okay na, hindi pa rin pala.

bit·ter·sweet \ˈbi-tər-ˌswēt\

• (noun) something that is bittersweet; especially : pleasure alloyed with pain
• (adjective) being at once bitter and sweet; especially : pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret <a bittersweet ballad>

Bet I’d be using this to describe what’s up with friendship and all that sht best right now. Lol.

I cried a while ago, the first time I cried again after days…weeks, even (I don’t know if I reached a month already, but since I’ve gone on weeks without tearing, yay for that lol).

I don’t know how it happened. It just did, I guess. I sort of have these weird moments of reminiscing, and it’s not just that. I remember quite a lot. Especially when I paid too much attention to and invested much on a certain thing or event in the past.

I just remembered all those fun times, all those days we spent together, not together-together, but those that we spent just telling stories, joking around, laughing… I just remembered us texting, sometimes talking on the phone, til the wee hours of the day. I just remembered us being friends, close even.

And in the same way, I just remembered how bitter he’d talk about his ex-girlfriend, and one of his adopted buddies. I just remembered how sad he related those stories of ‘drifting apart’. I just remembered how I thought we won’t reach that point…

But here we are. So close to that. Actually drifting apart. And I used to think we wouldn’t. Like, at all.

Oh, yes, this is all about him again. :) But I’d be proud to say that I didn’t cry because I was hurt.

I cried because I don’t want to regret this, but in the same way, I just don’t know what to do. I didn’t, don’t even, have control over things, and over him the most. If this is how it goes, then this is how it goes. I just thought that all those plans, all those promises, all those little things…they’re slowly being thrown away, being put into trash, wasted, eventually to be regretted.

I was just wishing, we shouldn’t have ended up like this. That this friendship shouldn’t have gone this way. That I wouldn’t have to talk about him in such ways that I would hurt talking about him, or that he would once he’d know. That I wouldn’t imagine talking to him in a way oppose to how I have, dating back to that app process. That I wouldn’t have to think about how our friendship is, and eventually will be.

But it has ended in such a sad note. Ended, huge word. And I don’t know if it’s just me, but it sort of has. It’s not the same anymore, anyway. And no matter how much I’d want it to be the way it was before, it wouldn’t anymore.

Yet, what else am I left to do?
I wish I knew.
I’m just giving it all up.

Bittersweet, yes, remembering all that.
And I seriously, sincerely, honestly hope I’m not the only who remembers and who would be left to remember it all.

Much like how Effie Trinket said this on Catching Fire to Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark (oh, yes, I’m promoting it lol diz), I guess this best be my next move/s as I walk through another phase of my life…

I’ve always been enthusiastic about life, until very recently that one move led to a series of, let’s say, mishaps, sending my views on life spiraling down. It’s as if I’ve given up that easily on life, letting all the negativity pull me down, just like that.

But no one else will pull me back up but me. Who else will help me up? I can’t even talk about it fully. I can’t even share my thoughts and feelings anymore. Orrr maybe I do, but yes, just the gist of it, because with every move I make, someone else gets hurt. That can’t always be the case.

So, now, I surrender. Yes, I know that maybe I won’t be able to hold on to this. Maybe I’d give up sooner. Or maybe I wouldn’t even get to stop posting about my feelings on every SNS I have accounts on. But reading something over twitter just a few minutes ago changed this view.

@JesusGraces: “It’s time to rise above those negative circumstances and believe what God says about you. You are blessed, favored, loved…”

@Godstagram: “We don’t have to know where God is taking us, just trust that He knows the way better than us and give Him praise all the way.”

It’s time I prolly just give it all up. I’ve given it my all, I’ve given in every whim. Maybe it’s time I give up. :) After everything that has happened, I still don’t regret anything. Maybe a few, of this and that… But regretting wouldn’t make me a better person. Besides, hadn’t all these happened, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today.

I trust my Lord to lead me where He wants me to be. I trust my God to make me learn and feel what I have yet to, and understand all that with His wisdom. I trust my Father to mold me into a better person, someone who might actually understand His ways, someone who’d know and fight for what is supposed to stand up for. I trust the Almighty to give me the courage to live through every single day He has made, and. instead of letting myself just go with the current of life, downwards right now, lift Him up and glorify Him with all the actions I am to do. I have been very unfaithful to Him and have gone away from His will and my promises to His name. But I would want to get back on track, get back on this journey with Him.

Maybe I’d be bitter now and then. But I’d be better. I want to be and I trust Him to make me be. :)

PS Forgive me for all them bitter and negativity-filled posts before this one. I know I get myself driven by all these thoughts and emotions all the time. I won’t know how to change that now. But I want to. Thank you for keeping up with that though. Lol. Pray for me, maybe? :)

PPS Pardon me if I’ve committed grammar mistakes again. Too lazy to proofread lelz

Repost from Twitter from MedyoBadBoyAko (reworded, reformatted).

“Wala kang paki kung magmura ‘ko.
Bakit? Nung nagmahal ba ‘ko, may paki ka?
#MedyoHugot #MedyoHumugotSaKaibuturanNgPuso #MedyoEmo”

Meh. How to start. D: Lol anywaaay… Dad and I have a love-hate relationship. Lol I would want to think it’s the same way for all fathers and daughters :)) Anyway, he just started my day right :’)

I woke up, terribly annoyed with my dream (yes, yet again. the chain has started once more :(( ). And then, he went in the room (I still share a room with my parents and sibs, mostly just at night to sleep, but yeah :) ) to get some clothes (for church, I assumed) and saw me awake. He just asked me why I was up this early. And since I don’t really talk when I have just woken up, I didn’t answer. So, he just pinched my cheek while I helped him open up the windows. Then, as he exited the room, I lay back down again, and read a few lines of The Rescue (must-read!!!) and went online. A few minutes after, he went in the room again, took something from their closet, told me to sleep again, and rubbed my hair (does that make sense? lol). Just d’aw. I don’t know. His little gestures do make me feel like a kid again. :’)

Dad would always know how to make me smile. Much like how it happened yesterday and the day before. Sometimes, I do feel annoyed towards him. But it all fades at the end of the day.

Anyway, thanks, Dad :)

PS Sorry for the wrong grammar. Too lazy to proofread lol kbye